A Break from Time

Experiences are all that I have. I can remember the cold dry Canadian Christmas winters when I was less than 10. Damn! When I was 9 there was this small jet plane that I wanted so bad for Christmas. It wasn’t like those freakish radio controlled airplanes that can actually fly. It was attached to a base through a rod and the plane would rotate around the base. All you could do was control how high it could go (and it would only go a maximum height of 10 cm), and how fast it would rotate. And there was this awesome button, that when you pressed it, machine gun fire sound would go off! Though, it would’ve been much more fun if it had the option to stop it from roating around in a circle. Then I could’ve gotten little toy soldiers and imagined them getting gunned down or speared by the plane, muhahaha! On Christmas morning Santa (which were actually my dad and mom, and yea I found out by then 😦 unlike some of you kids who lived in a fantasy world until you were 14) surprised me with it! I was so happy.. for a while, then broke it because I was so curious as to how it worked that I took it apart and didn’t know how to put it back together.

I also remember the very first girl I was infatuated with. She was Hungrarian, a strawberry blonde, and she smelled so nice she caused my heart to hop, skip, and.. trip. I remember this one time we sat next to each other on the carpet (we were in kindergarten) and I was wearing this orange hoodie and she commented on it! And to this day I still remember that scar on her knee that got infected and healed 3 weeks later :(. I saw her last year and all her friends who happen to be the same girls that were in our class when we were in kindergarten! They are so close they never knew anyone other than each other! They didn’t turn out great unfortunately, but I’m hoping that it’s just because they’re in their phase where they still think they are hot shit. I hope they eventually become more humble.

I’ve also had painful experiences, like the time I was riding down the hill and fell off my bike, or when I embarrassed myself on the dance floor and nobody knew me to the times I stayed home by myself on New Years, watching the festivities in my warm cozy living room with my dogs. I have had sad experiences, happy experiences, to experiences where I knew that the person I was with loves me no matter what, and also experiences where we disliked each other so much all we wanted was to strangle each other. I have had only two separate experiences in my life, though. An experience alone, and an experience when I’m not alone.

I cannot live without both.

However, I enjoy and remember experiences when I’m with somebody. Because at those moments when we’ve connected I’ve felt peace knowing that alas someone else understands. I connected with a girl not too long ago on an even more unique level. That unique level where I felt the strong desire to experience her world and her to experience mine. But I’m freaked out that happened because I have taken upon myself never to allow that to happen.. at least for another year until I know that I have total control of my life. I also worry that she may decide in a year, months, weeks, even days into our relationship that she doesn’t want us anymore? But what if I make that decision, which according to my track record, has been most of the time?

Let us just be friends first.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  And we’ll see where this goes.

I’m a selfish guy too. I may treat a girl like I’m prince charming, calmly lulling her to a comfort that she is usually hesitant with letting go of. But she does, and when that happens, that’s when I disappear.. I’m insecure, yet paradoxically I have a big ego. But I have accepted, that ultimately this is my loss, for experiences are ultimately what I take from this world. And if I restrict myself from experiences of love, sex, and happiness with a sexy beautiful girl, then that is an experience that I will never have. She’ll just find someone else, and as for her experience with me? Well, it probably wouldn’t have been a good one after all seeing how much of a chump I am..

I have nothing to offer and much to learn, because I’m all out of the good stuff 😉



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